Relationships

Dear Ann,My lover is the most attentive, affectionate woman on earth; she can hardly stand to be separated from me, in fact she will call in tears just from missing me if we're apart a couple of days. However, when I proposed marriage to her, she acted shocked and basically refused. Should I ask her why or wait and propose again later?- StumpedDear Stumped,Dostoyevskian torment over separations aside, in what manner does she show her love? I'm wondering if she's only deeply moved by the sight of a departing train. Does she discuss the future at all? Does she pick up on your likes and dislikes? She may be enjoying every magical moment with you as a stop gap until Mr. Right comes along, or she may just have been startled by your proposal and feeling the timing was off. When translated into the Zeirgeist, or collective unconscious, one would wonder if she's a feminist who regards marriage as too twentieth century. Talk to her about her reasons rather than waiting and trying again.* * * Dear Ann,I'm rather interested in a man I'll call Toby, but there's something odd about him: he scours everything with his nose like a pig digging for truffles, often commenting on the "marvelous aroma," "magnificent scents," etc. It's a bit over the top. Is sniffing some kind of fetish?.WonderingDear Wondering:The lines between enthusiasm, obsession, and fetishism sometimes blur; in fact most abnormal behavior is an exaggeration of the normal. As you are writing me, you are annoyed by this sniffer, and you will soon be driven crazy. In time irritating habits are magnified in the mind of the beholder rather than diminished. I am a widower trying to advise my daughter, a beautiful young woman. She became involved with a Frenchman, and the relationship soon fizzled. That is, he left. She blames the fact that he had an affair with his mother's best friend when he was eighteen. Would this warp him permanently? Is there any point in her trying to get him back? She still cares.Thanks for help,DadDear Dad:The affair with mama's friend isn't the reason, unless he's like Colette's Cherie. The affair with the older woman is a rite de passage for a French adolescent, and what are Maman's friends for? He is making excuses. If the lover were l'oncle, I might be more impressed. To answer your question: no, this man is not a keeper.* * *Dear Ann,I read an earlier column of yours where you described aphrodisiac foods and cooked my lover the ideal meal. Now all he talks about is what a great chef I am and when are we going to eat more?Yours,LouiseDear Louise,Uh-oh, maybe you inadvertently tapped into his addiction. If he talks more about food than he does about you, be cautious. I'm not coming down hard against him, just curious about his priorities and passions.* * *Dear Ann,I am twenty-two, and this Christmas there will be some good parties where I might meet someone. My grandmother always said, "You never know when a door will open and your fate will walk in." My question for you: what make-up do you recommend?Sincerely,ErinDear Erin,Men like a natural look, and to us at Fashionlines this translates to carefully applied makeup. It takes longer and requires more skill to look natural than it does to look like Bette Davis. A girl your age doesn't need a coat of makeup on her face. If your skin is a pasty color, you can add a little color tint like Agnes B. apricot or tinted Neutrogena. Use a concealer for serious flaws; make sure it's a good match and blend it carefully. Avoid thickener mascaras and go for one that separates the lashes and just adds color. Better, dye your lashes. Shape your brows intelligently. The brow line is important to the look of your face. Check magazines and see how the brows are shaped, especially on faces that resemble yours. Lip-gloss should add shine but not look greasy or sticky. This is not easy, and it has to do largely with amount. Apply the blush, smile, blot off excess; you want to avoid globs or streaks. Blush is dangerous to those who would look natural and should be applied with a minimalist hand if at all. Smile when applying to find the apples in your cheeks where the blush belongs. Remove excess with a clean, dry tissue instead of fingers.The oil on fingers may cause blotchiness.* * *Dear AnnI'm a man, and I want to marry once only, for life. I've seen good marriages, bad, and divorces. I asked my father how you know if you're happily married, and he looked bemused, said he didn't know. Ann, what do you think?Signed,BarnabyDear Barnaby,Somebody once asked writer Dawn Powell about her 42 year long marriage, and she replied that her husband "is the only person in the world I find it always a kick to run into on the street." * * *Dear Ann,I am considering Lasik surgery. Is it safe?JustinDear Justin,You may or may not have asked the right person. My husband is a neurosurgeon, and like most surgery families, we go under the knife only in extremis. All surgery is risky, and that includes laser. Substituting a laser beam for a knife doesn't mean you're not cutting flesh. Lasik correction is touted as a fast, painless and permanent way for nearsighted and farsighted people to restore their vision. A doctor cuts a flap in the cornea and then reshapes the exposed area with a laser. It costs over $2000 per eye. Since 1996, over two million people including Cindy Crawford and Courtney Cox have had this procedure, and in five percent of the cases complications develop: infection, blurred vision, or halos of light marring the sight. No pregnant woman or person on cumaden should try it. Be wary of doctors who advertise a lot or give a hard sell. We would speak of board certification, and we do as a first step, but it's not a panacea. "People" magazine just ran a scary article about people who died from liposuction and other procedures done by board certified plastic surgeons. Another consideration: glasses are cool and trendy now. So why not check out some of the great frames Armani and others are making and pop in some prescription lenses? You'll probably go ahead with your Lasik surgery; most people do, even though they ask. Good luck.* * *Dear Ann,I think I may be falling in love, and I wonder if it's reciprocated. I met a man, we spent some magical time together; he's beautiful, sensitive, talented, deep. Maybe I'm just wacko, but a couple of little things bother me. Could you give me perspective? You will probably say I'm a ridiculous baby, and I wouldn't blame you, but here are my issues: 1. He kept staring at photos of Cindy Crawford in a magazine in front of me. Couldn't he have tactfully waited and stared in private? 2. We had lunch with an older friend of mine, a woman who is like a sister to me and nice looking for her age, but - well, you know what I'm saying. He said she looks just like "XX", a movie star. I am writing under an alias and don't want anything to give away who I am, therefore I'll just call the star "XX." Ann, why didn't he say I remind him of a movie star? It's not that I am conceited, but if she reminds him of a star, I would think I would, too.Sign me,Silly girlDear Silly,You know what? "Smart girl" is the better name for you. Yes, these are extremely worrisome signs. In the beginning stage of a romantic relationship, a lover should show emotional tact, have eyes only for you, and compliments as well. So where does that leave us? As too sadly often in this column and life there is more than one possible answer: 1. He could be slightly sadistic, manipulative, and a poseur, a man more interested in games than real connection. 2. He may be an OK guy who just wants to communicate that your liaison is not to be taken seriously. I don't know. Keep me posted. The situation, it must be said, looks murky at best.* * *Dear Ann,Charles and I have started dating; he is a promoter who books concerts for a number of classical musicians. We both love music, and I do what I can to help him. He said, "I often become friendly with people who share my ideals." What does this mean?DelphineDear Delphine,He could be another Spinoza, or he could be telling you he sleeps around a lot and you need to know.* * *Dear Ann,Do you know anything about modern art? I am a faithful reader of Fashionlines, LOVE IT, and notice you often write about art. I am considering buying an abstract painting, though I don't really understand it. How do I know if it's good or not? The gallery owner says the artist is one of the top in Europe.X0,Wish I could afford Van GoghDear Wish,Don't we all. OK, dealers hang onto their artists by selling their work. Period. Well, selling and generating publicity. Any successful dealer is good at persuading buyers and manipulating the press. They are believable and charming in one way or another; they have to be. Some have the patronizing-expert sort of charm, others the warm-enthusiastic. It's a difference in style, not substance. To answer your question, call the curatorial departments of three major modern museums and ask if anyone has heard of your artist. Call the major auction houses and see if they accept his work on consignment. Ask around about the gallery's standing. New York dominates the modern art world with London running a distant second. There's strength in Barcelona and Milan. If you are buying from one of the most powerful dealers in New York, you're fine. They know how to make it all happen whether the artist deserves it or not.* * *Dear Ann,My lover told me his wife was always mad at him, so I thought he was in splitsville. Now he has ended our relationship saying he loves his wife. What do you make of this?Thank you,BergittaDear Bergitta,A married man ending an affair always hides behind his wife, just as one beginning an affair says his wife doesn't understand him. Why did he really bail? Here I am saying I'm not sure again. It's embarrassing, but I'm not. Maybe he met someone else, a teenager, a boy - who knows? Maybe his wife found out about the affair and gave him a good beating. Maybe he is just a serial hitter with an established repertoire. If he seems sincere and caring to you, it may well be his M.O. Anyway, forget him.* * *Dear Ann,I produce Indie films, love it, but am exhausted. Should I quit and become a script writer of something else easy? If not, why not?Best,MonaDear Mona,It's cool and glamorous to be a producer. Not cool and glamorous to be a scriptwriter. Let me, for the sake of other readers, give a list of what is cool and glamorous and what is not: Cool and glamorous: being a publisher, a famous chef, a rock star, supermodel, photographer, NFL player, pilot (plane must be your own), a so-famous person you need to be escorted through cities in black limos with sirens screaming and headlights glaring, a novelist, a confidante of the US President (usually), a friend of Jim Clark or Bill Gates, a reader of e-magazines, the only reporter on Everest, a racer of Lamborghinis, creator of art videos, pilgrim (rich) who visits Burmese monks who are personal friends.Not cool and glamorous: being a staff writer, wielding a mean bar-b-que poker, criticizing countries you might be visiting, being a lingerie model, a lounge lizard, a member of United's frequent flyer program, a jay walker, a confidante of a Congressman in your district, a friend of a friend of a cast member of "Friends" (the show isn't delivering this fall)); a reader of print magazines only, reporter whose beat is tea parties, driver of an RV without needing the room for your soccer team (if you do, it's OK), fan of prepackaged "vacations in paradise."* * *Dear Ann,Maurice is in his early thirties, I in my forties, and he has taken me on as a confident. He is tall, handsome, charming, well-situated in life. His problem is that the girls his own age don't appreciate him. He suffers so many rejections. For the life of me, I can't comprehend why; is it because he is an old world gentleman and the girls today become so decadent they don't appreciate good manners? Can you help me help him?Caringly,ConnieDear Connie,Exactly how many times has he struck out? Have there been any successes, or is he still a virgin? Trust me, girls always adore good manners and flattering attention; the new generation is no exception. He either secretly wants you and is trying to do a tea and sympathy number on you, or he unconsciously wants you or someone like you and therefore sends insincere signals to the girls his own age. Or maybe he's just whining over a couple of rejections; after all, none of us can attract EVERY target, desirable as that would be. The other possibility is he has a sexual orientation confusion which is obvious to the babes. Give them credit; like their elders, they have antenna.* * *Dear Ann,I am 15, Justin is 17, and we're hooked up. He wants to do the whole number, but I am a virgin and not ready. I am getting the idea he will break up with me if I go on saying no. What are your thoughts?Lovingly,MarileeDear Marilee,The guy who will break up with you for not doing it is the one who will talk if you do. trust me on this.* * *Dear Ann,I bought a good outfit because it was on sale, but it doesn't look good on me. Nobody even compliments it much. Should I go on wearing it?Signed,CecileDear Cecile,There is no such thing as a good outfit that doesn't look good on you. It's a bad outfit if it doesn't work for you. Don't go there again. Meanwhile, find a talented seamstress and plead with her to do a redesign. Changing shoulders, neckline, waistline (lowering or raising) can help. Good luck.* * *Dear Ann,Every time I pop a pimple my mother the meddler tells me to stop. What is it with her? I'm sick of it, sick of her.So sincerely,SusieDear Susie,She's afraid you'll be known as scarface some day. Meanwhile you don't want these snow-capped Mt. Everest eruptions on your face. Treat them as surgeon would a delicate operation. Cleanse face, hands, apply alcohol (rubbing, not tequila), dip a sharp needle you haven't used before in alcohol. Pop and remove ugly stuff, but do not squeeze too hard or you'll end up looking worse than you did before. Finish with more alcohol, medicinal peroxide. The peroxide is the most potent drying agent. We're talking pimples here. A person with severe acne should go to a dermatologist for treatment. There are powerful meds today that can deal with even the most severe cases. * * *Dear Ann,A handsome European has captured my heart, and just thinking about him brings a smile to my lips. One tiny thing: he often says my comments are "so American" with a bored sneer. Should I ignore them?Your friend,CindiDear Cindi,He has no manners. A person of breeding never slights another's race, religion, or country of origin. Usually these insults are derived from a warranted feeling of insecurity. For example, in "The Robber Bride" Margaret Atwood wrote, re moving from Canada to California, "(it was) a lapse of taste...Why go to California where the bread is even arier, the accent ever flatter, the grammar even more spurious than it is here?" That's funny. In the Bay Area alone we have Pulitzer Prize fiction writers, Booker Prize finalists, and a Nobel Laureate poet. All Atwood has won is little known Canadian prizes like the Trillium Award. See what we mean? under an alias and don't want anything to give away who I am, therefore I'll just call the star "XX." Ann, why didn't he say I remind him of a movie star? It's not that I am conceited, but if she reminds him of a star, I would think I would, too.Sign me,Silly girlDear Silly,You know what? "Smart girl" is the better name for you. Yes, these are extremely worrisome signs. In the beginning stage of a romantic relationship, a lover should show emotional tact, have eyes only for you, and compliments as well. So where does that leave us? As too sadly often in this column and life there is more than one possible answer: 1. He could be slightly sadistic, manipulative, and a poseur, a man more interested in games than real connection. 2. He may be an OK guy who just wants to communicate that your liaison is not to be taken seriously. I don't know. Keep me posted. The situation, it must be said, looks murky at best.* * *Dear Ann,Charles and I have started dating; he is a promoter who books concerts for a number of classical musicians. We both love music, and I do what I can to help him. He said, "I often become friendly with people who share my ideals." What does this mean?DelphineDear Delphine,He could be another Spinoza, or he could be telling you he sleeps around a lot and you need to know.